It's like all so fucking weird because this last year has been I think my best and shit y'know, and I want it to last forever but I'm kinda worried. I really like how it is right now and the idea of things changing feels so weird man. ( : ˘ ∧ ˘ : ) . I was writing in a small diary notebook trying to conceptualise my emotions about someone and like, fuck it felt so weird . I don't know how to explain it like I can use common vocabulary or whatever to get the point across shortly and succinctly but like fuck that doesn't explain it.
Wrote like 6/7 pages about him even if it was A7. was talking to Fish(we'll go with Fish for this nickname hahahah) about how I feel thinking about him and like idfk when I see him here and there gives me a right fucking shock. Feels like my heart is in my throat . I think Fish was this close to calling me a stupid faggot(affectionate manner) and told me fucking sounds like a crush. Oh . Okay then. Well that's great(not).
Made me so disgusted when I realised that my emotions even could be something other than platonic. Felt like an awful person and an even worse friend. Couldn't get him out of my mind and still can't. Been months since I realised . Less disgust at my alleged emotions but FUCK it's weird to think about . I don't know what I see in him. He has a bunch of good traits but y'know. It's like other people could be real similar to him and even then I don't think Id care about them. I literally don't get what I see in him. Maybe I'll go to sleep tonight and realise or some shit but it pisses me off I can't explain why I'm so fond of him and it's so annoying it's my feelings why don't I get to understand them ( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)( ≧Д≦)
Nowhere near even started when we were first friends happened and realised what???? Two months ago that I like that fucker,????? Being mean when reffering to him here don't take it personally 😓😓😓😓 nothing against you . Was gonna say something but forgot. Oh well .
Fish also stalks his reposts ( this is a mutual thing between like most of every of my friends((hahaahahhahahahah like 3 including meee))) and he seems to have a crush on someone too. Fish keeps saying they're 100% sure its on me . Hm . Don't know how I'd feel about that. Just because he could like me back doesn't mean that if that were the case it would be a good thing. Have to have healthy(delusional) level of skepticism and must not have pride by assuming it must be me. But not sure who else it could be. We also keep sending eachother GIFs of Rei Chikita that say Te amo. Euhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh(pained noises) . Fish keeps trying to genuinely convince me to say something but I think I have tok much pride for that. Hedgehog's dilemma yada yada. 😓😓😓😓 Also even if I did fuck am I ment to say. ????? Weirdos.
Very happy to just stay (best(????))friends
